The Nozumo Parable
by grandy12
Summary: The user browsing read the description, shook his head at its non-descriptive nature, then walked past it and through the door to his left. If he had stuck around, he would have noticed it was rated T for swearing, but he did not, and he definetely did not click the link to read it, or to leave a review afterwards.


The author thought it would be a good idea to make it clear he didn't own either of the works depicted in his fic, before he closed the tab, and walked through the door to his right.

* * *

This is the story of a man named Nozomu.

_See as the camera slowly approaches a certain Japanese high school, surrounded by cherry trees in full bloom_

Nozomu worked as a teacher on a Japanese school, where he was known as Itoshiki-sensei.

Itoshiki-sensei's job was simple; he taught the students of class 2 - へ, and at the end of the day he graded their performance.

_Slowly, we enter a window, and make our way through a corridor_

A list of materials for teaching came to him daily from the older teachers, as well as instructions for grading, how to grade, who to grade, what grade to give, and in what order.

This is what Itoshiki-sensei did everyday of every month of every year.

_The camera stops just in front of a classroom labeled '2 - へ__', which is ajar_

And although others might have found it soul-ripping, Nozomu relished every day as his classes went by, as though he had been made exactly for this job.

_The door slowly swings open…_

And Nozomu was…

_...revealing a body of a young man dressed in a hakama, hanging by his neck from a noose tied to the ceiling._

…happy.

**_BURE BURE BURE BURE_**

* * *

*Ahem*.

And Nozomu was happy and did NOT commit suicide before the story even began.

…

I said 'and Nozomu was happy and definitely not dead'.

…

N-…nozomu? You are happy. And alive! It says so right here on the script!

…

Oh, for goodness sake, 'and then the rope snapped, causing Itoshiki-sensei to fall on his desk'

_CRASH_

"WHAT IF I HAD DIED?!"

Is what Nozomu would have asked out loud and rather hypocritically, if he hadn't been born irredeemably mute.

"Mute?"

Nozomu looked around the room puzzled, trying to find the source of the voice, but did not just ask anything out loud. Not managing to find anyone, he decided to leave the room to find help; surely hearing voices as a sign of madness!

On the corridor, Nozomu was shocked to find out that the school was compl-

…

Nozomu **left the room to find help**, he did **NOT **climb his desk and set up another noose for which to commit suicide with.

"Usually the voices in my head are egging me on to go into the noose, not to leave it alone," he thought, but did not speak, with a sigh, before putting the rope away, "…if even them are against me, I guess this is the time to do it."

What? NO! And then Nozomu did **not** jum- **AND THEN THE ROPE SNAPPED.**

_CRASH_

As did every single other rope he had, for some inexplicable phenomena. **And** any rope-like accessory of his hakama was suddenly unable to be removed from his clothes.

Now then, Nozomu stepped out of his classroom and did not, in fact, walk up to the window of the second floor or attempt but fail to climb it to jump- **the window was locked.**

Leaving it alone once and for all, Nozomu put away all the thoughts of suicide – quite strange they were, too, given how happy he felt all his life – turned his back to the window, walked towards the door, did NOT turn back towards the window and get into a runner's position andlucklythewindowwasreinforced

_Thud_

…preventing him from jumping through it to what would surely be his death. Nozomu sighed – perhaps, he thought, the voices and his suicidal thoughts were due to an attack of depression? Despite being overall a giddy and happy man, Nozomu had on his being a set of anti-depressant pills, and to feel better, he took one of them and swallowed it.

Two of them, but not more.

With three of them he was already happy enough and he felt the need to **not turn over and swallow all of**-

FINE. THEY WERE SKITTLES. Due to a freakish and frankly hilarious misunderstanding, millions of people were given little chocolate candies instead of the potent antidepressants they needed to get on by. This lead to a country-wide spike on suicide rates.

Are you happy now, Nozomu? Millions are dead because of you. Because of your selfish, little suicide attempt, there are children out there crying because of a l**- the power source of the entire city had been cut**, leading to the death of hundreds of patients in the hospital, but also luckly prevented that Nozomu's attempt of licking the electricity socket did anything at all. As his death toll kept on rising, Nozomu felt a potent guilt for having just committed genocide.

"Wouldn't more guilt mean I would want to kill myself even more?" Nozomu foolishly asked, before adding "Asked? I thought I was a mute." He thought as he did the first sentence, without uttering a word. "Ah, sorry, guess I made you lose the concentration," he added, and despite the fact he had said so, he kept on trying to find a blade to cut his wrists like the sneaky little bastard he was, only to find out they had been banned internationally for hundreds of years.

Sigh.

Look, look here, Nozomu, you will have plenty, and I mean PLENTY of ways to die if you listen to me, just, just please listen to me for a while, okay? Please? I promise that by the end of this, your body will be charred, crushed, maimed, and your miserable, pathetic happy little existence will most likely be over for good.

"Ah," Nozomu thought, sweating, "when you put it that way, I think I will pass.", the annoying stupid little git added, but it was fine, because he realized there was nothing for him to do in his classroom anymore now that it was completely devoid of anything but white cushioned walls that would prevent all and any suicide attempts of any kind he may ever think about.

"Wait, so I was crazy all along?" the realization suddenly came to him, since the room now resembled that of a mental institution. The revelation was a complete shock to him, causing him to desperately think "I guess that does explain a lot." Before shrugging and walking down the wide open door that was the only inviting thing left around.

Wait, you're actually going? I-I mean, stepping outside, Nozomu realized, startled, that there was nobody around; none of his beloved students whom he had to grade, and no other teacher to tell him how to grade them. Never had him ever felt so alone and d- **GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE CORRIDOR WINDOW RIGHT THE FUCK NOW**

* * *

Yeah… this was mostly just a plot bunny I had. I dunno where I could possibly take it past this point, so I'll just leave it as a one-shot.


End file.
